Why it's important to know what you're looking for.
Now don't get me wrong, i'm no expert on relationships. I am successfully dating. This for me means i'm going into it knowing what i'm looking for. This way I am certain that I just need to keep making myself visible and I will meet the right person eventually. I'll learn what I need to on the way.
Perhaps you’re going to pursue a relationship?
Have you ever asked yourself ‘why do I go after the same people again and again and I’m left disappointed?’ It may feel like a negative statement but it's actually a positive, you're acknowledging that there's maybe something wrong with your radar. This is you listening to your gut so you shouldn’t dismiss this. Your gut does not lie.
But we lie to ourselves. We tell ourselves things like ‘she’s really nice but she’s not for me’ or ‘he’s really selfish, he sometimes cheats but I love him’.
Love is where you have trust and respect for each other and you’re communicating the hard stuff. The hard stuff being your insecurities and your vulnerabilities. For example:- ‘I’m scared to let you close in case you get to really see me and then you’ll not want me anymore’.
Have you ever heard or said yourself something like ‘They sometimes get angry and it’s scary but when they’re good they’re so sweet. They have pressures at work too’.
There's a 'this is the best I can get' statement - also there’s a justification for the other persons bad behaviour in there, so there’s a lie in there. No-one wants to feel manipulated, controlled or abused. Ever.
I’ve had people say to me ‘I know my partner flirts with other people but at night they come home to me’. They are more accepting of their partners behaviour but just because there's maybe nothing physical going on there, it’s still healthy and their partner would still feel cheated. There is such a thing as an emotional affair.
What about where there's been some partial resolution, an attempt at forgiveness at least?
‘We had our problems, they cheated but we’ve talked about it and they've promised to talk to me when they feels insecure or jealous. This is healthier, there’s been a painful and difficult discussion about what happened, there’s been some honesty and vulnerability and there’s a plan in place.
The flip side to this is when someone is ‘too nice’.
I think we may have all muttered this at some point and there's nothing wrong with it per se.
An experience or situation where this may be relevant is where someone has appeared insecure or ‘needy’. If you wanted to be brutally honest the actual phrase should be that their behaviour is ‘unattractive’.
If the reason for them being too nice is that they’re reliable, honest and they like you and you're of the view that you want someone who's a bit more of a challenge or they're a bit more rough around the edges then the expectation needs to be that there will be issues and you're choosing this way.
But let's say they are secure, sincere and they're into you but you're not sure if you fancy them yet - this is where being too impulsive and making snap decisions can be a sabotage technique. They don't give it time.
If it takes you a while to find the perfect outfit for a wedding then surely it’s the same for finding your fiancé.
The most important thing about dating is that you find out what you’re looking for, sometimes it’s by finding out firstly what you’re not looking for. You have to do the leg work.
If it’s been a while since we’ve had a partner we sometimes accept someone too quickly who might not be exactly what we’re looking for but ‘will do’.
So how do you find out what person you’re looking for?
Whilst you’re dating you’re already making mental notes about the person in front of you. You say things in your head like ‘that’s annoying’ ‘that’s nice’ ‘Oh no…. he’s a racist!’. You have preconceptions of what they will be like and you’re gut tells you whether they feel right or not.
So my dating tips this week are set out to give you a better idea of gaining more clarity on your perfect partner.
1. Go on dates. I tried online dating but it didn’t work out for me so I decided face to face would be better. I asked a few women out and then kept doing that. At the cinema, at social gatherings, in the supermarket. Some people do not date people at work because of professional boundaries but you do not need to discount it, we spend a lot of time with people at work and can build intimacy with them. Don't worry about nerves. I was very anxious and awkward at first and I bottled it a few times but eventually it became less scary – persist and it will get easier.
2. Autopsy. Using either a pen and paper or your laptop or device. Draw two columns – headings being 'positive' and 'negative'. After every date jot down what you thought or feel during it. (Feelings are more important though as thoughts can be overly critical and judgemental if you’re still anxious) Please allow anxiety to get in the way on the first date, no doubt you had some too. We don’t want to miss an opportunity of seeing them more confident - you don’t know how long it’s been since they’ve been on a date. As a guide use simple (and maybe obvious) questions such as:- What was it that I liked about them? What was it that I didn’t like about them? Did they make an effort? Did they listen to me or did they just talk? Did they ask me questions or just talk about themselves? Try to be succinct.
3. After the date. If you decide you’re willing to go on another date, contact them after a day or so and tell them what you liked about it. Then arrange to do something different. Bear in mind that the first dates should be about getting to know them so give yourselves the opportunity to talk. Coffee/drinks, walks, museum or galleries are good ideas in the early stages. If you decide not to date them again, contact them the following day and be honest without harming them. They may come back and ask for more feedback so the list of positives and negatives are really important here. If they were not attractive to you say something like ‘I’m sorry but I didn’t fancy you’, if they were not very interesting then ‘we have very different interests’. These are descriptive responses enough and although they may still be hurt they should be satisfied that you’re done and want to move on.
4. Online Dating? If you're on a dating site, give yourself a better chance of success by choosing to date up to three people at a time. One should be a little different to what you're used to. Maybe someone taller or smaller, older or younger or of a different culture. Try and tap into the gut feelings when you're scrolling through the profiles and try to think how your ideal person would find attractive about you. If you don't know, ask your friends what they think. Make sure this is on your profile photo or one of them.
5. Filtering. Throughout the process you'll have more and more information about what you're looking for. Go back to your positive/negative lists. These tell you what you like in people and therefore what you’re looking for. Someone who makes you laugh is a great start so write another list of the things that really impress you. This will then give you more clarity.
If you’re finding it hard to date then why not notice qualities in people around you, at work for instance and see what behaviours/characteristics annoy you or attract you.
Oh and the most important part? The one thing you think is going to be most attractive to you in them could well be the one thing they're looking for too. So try and make that a prominent thing in your dating. If it's humour then try to bring yours into it as often as possible.
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