There is a feeling when you’re in shame that you’re at the bottom of a well without any tools to be able to get out. It sucks all of your self esteem out and makes you feel worthless.
It’s also a very quick process, one minute you’re happy and grateful and then BAM! You get hit by a shame attack and you’re feeling suicidal – questioning yourself ‘What’s the point?’
So where does 'it' (Shame) come from?
Guilt is a feeling you get when you did something wrong, or perceived you did something wrong.
Shame is a feeling that your whole self is wrong, and it may not be related to a specific behaviour or event.
Have you ever felt good about yourself and someone questions why that is or they give you a few reasons why you shouldn’t feel so good about yourself? That is shaming.
If you’re a well nurtured individual and you feel secure in yourself then you may not encounter this experience because ‘shamers’ need to find people who have got a crack in them. They sense a slight insecurity or vulnerability and they pounce. They need to feel better about themselves and they can only do that by belittling, controlling or manipulating you or others.
A strong confident person would threaten them and their own insecurity so they would not engage.
But the problem is it's not just the ‘Shamers’ we need to worry about. We need to take responsibility for allowing this to happen.
As a coach I have a couple of strategies that work in reducing and eliminating most of your shame.
There are some things you can do to try and recover from a shame attack and there are also other tips on how to protect yourself from further shame. The problem is that if you already have it it needs to be dealt with and that’s where working with me would be the best solution.
In the meantime find below five ways to help you battle it:-
1. Self care is vital.
Eat good food, chat to good friends often, do exercise (walking is an exercise) and try and do it in nature, treat yourself like you’re a child who needs parenting.
2. Affirmations.
Some people need daily affirmations to be able to go out into the world and be a part of. Even if you think you don’t need them, do them anyway. People who feel insecure can fear that affirmations will make them arrogant but that’s just the wound talking. Affirmations should make you equal, not superior.
3. Avoid negative people – they have a problem for every solution!
Work out when you feel down or low. See what happens prior to that – what/who triggers it? It’s important to see where/when our defences are at their weakest. I have friends that can be negative sometimes and I know they can’t help it but I can still limit my time with them. I know what my limits are.
4. Work on your inner boundaries.
We've all heard of external boundaries:- Stand up for yourself. Speak up when you think something’s not right. Listen to your gut.
But rarely do people talk about inner boundaries.
Start by keeping your promises to yourself - start with small ones, if they're unachievable then you're being counterproductive. Be consistent with your goals. Consistency means as often as you can - it's ok to miss a day but get back on track as soon as you can. When you catch yourself worrying...STOP. It solves nothing. NOTHING.
5. Detach yourself from what you do to who you are.
If we are always expecting praise or criticism from our actions then we are putting our power and mercy at the hands of others. We need to separate what we do from our sense of self-worth. When our whole identity isn’t on the line we become freer to create and people think about us.
You may feel disappointed if you don’t get the standing ovation you think you deserve but it’s whole lot easier than feeling the crushing, corrosive shame attack that’s coming your way if you don’t.
A personal coach is someone who wants you to be the strong, assertive and creative individual you were born to be. If you want to work with me on a one to one basis I can assure you you won't be disappointed. email me at martyn@becomeunstuck.co.uk
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